Hilarious pick up lines
that risk the cringe
for the real laugh.

My therapist said I should reach out to one person I find attractive today. You're it. Sorry/you're welcome.

I was going to send a normal opener and then I remembered I have a personality. So.

I lost a bet that required me to be honest with one stranger today. The honest thing is: hi, I think you're cute.

Are you a perfectly seasoned cast iron pan? Because you look well-maintained and I'm weirdly impressed.

Are you the final boss of this dating app? Because I feel like I just won something by matching with you.

Are you a conspiracy theory? Because I'm strangely drawn to you and want to know all your secrets.

Are you a tax refund? Because you were an unexpected surprise that made my whole week better.

Are you a perfectly ripe avocado? Because you seem great and the window of opportunity is probably small. So, hi.

Are you my college GPA? Because I can't stop thinking about our potential future together.

Are you the sun? Because looking at your pictures for too long is probably damaging my eyes.

Are you a ghost? Because you've been haunting my 'For You' page and I had to say something.

Are you a user agreement? Because I find myself agreeing to everything without reading the details.

Are you my phone's autocorrect? Because you seem to know what I want before I do.

Are you a parking space on a busy day? Because I can't believe I found you.

I've narrowed my pickup line strategy to 'just be hot.' It hasn't been working. So we're trying option B: hi.

I have a strict rule about not messaging strangers. The rule has one exception. The exception is now.

I'd say I'm out of your league but you're the one playing in the majors. I'm in T-ball. Hi anyway.

Are you the person I'm supposed to message? Because my friends bet me I wouldn't. Please don't make me lose money.

Are you my new favorite risk? Because my brain said 'don't do it' and my thumb said 'you have to.

Are you my search history? Because I'm a little embarrassed by how much I've been looking at you.

Are you my confidence? Because I had a lot more of it before I tried writing this message. Hi.

Are you a good idea I had at 2 AM? Because I'm committing to you now even though it feels a bit bold.

Are you my phone's battery? Because you're at 10 and I feel like I'm running out of time to make a good impression.

Are you a bad joke? Because I can't wait to tell all my friends about you, even if this bombs.

Are you my social skills? Because I think I left them somewhere, but I'm trying my best anyway.

Are you the script to a movie? Because I have no idea what I'm doing so I'm just going to improvise.

Are you a typo in an important email? Because I noticed you immediately and now I can't stop thinking about it.

Are you my final exam? Because I've been staring at you for an hour and still don't know how to begin.

Are you my ego? Because it took a bit of a beating while I worked up the courage to send this.

Are you the 'send' button? Because I'm getting nervous but I know I have to commit.

I've been mentally writing your bio in my head and I think yours is better. Slight loss for me but a win overall.

I have 7 unread matches and I'm prioritizing you. Take the win.

Statistically, we've already been dating in three parallel universes. I'm just catching this one up.

I just polled my two houseplants and they both agree we should go out. They have very good instincts.

My psychic told me to message the most interesting person I saw today. So, what are we doing this weekend?

Let's skip the small talk and get to the part where you tell your friends you met someone cool.

I've decided we're going to be a great story. I've already written the first chapter. It starts with you replying.

Congratulations on matching with me. Your prize is a conversation. Please claim it within 24 hours.

Don't panic, but I think you've just peaked. It's me. I'm the peak.

My team of experts (my dog and my reflection) reviewed your profile. We've approved this match.

I'm clearing my schedule for our first date. Just let me know when it is. No pressure.

I just flipped a coin. Heads we get drinks, tails we get coffee. It landed on its side, so now we have to do both.

Let's be honest, we both knew this was going to happen. I'm just the one who had the courage to start it.

I'm canceling my plans because I've decided this conversation is now the most important thing happening in the world.

My future self told me in a dream to message you. I don't argue with my future self. They have great hair.

I'm willing to overlook your one flaw: that you haven't messaged me yet. I'm generous like that.

Our kids are going to ask how we met, and I'll say I had the best opener ever. Don't let me down.

I've already run the numbers and our compatibility score is an alarming 98%. Let's see if the math checks out.

I think we just won the award for 'Most Attractive Match of the Day.' The committee (me) was unanimous.

Stop what you're doing. A very important message has just arrived. This is it.

I'm currently accepting applications for my new favorite person. Your profile has made the shortlist.

You can delete the app now. I'm here.

Breaking news: local single has finally found someone interesting. The story (us) is developing.

I’m not saying we’re soulmates, but the universe has a funny way of being extremely obvious.

I had 14 openers prepared. I'm using none of them. This is the panic-improv version. Hi.

Disclaimer: this is my A-material. If we end up dating I'll have nothing left and you'll know.

I'm aware sending this is statistically a bad bet. I am also bad at statistics. So.

I spent way too long trying to find a clever line about your bio. I failed. This is my concession speech.

I showed your profile to my friends for opening line ideas. This was the best they could do. I need new friends.

My opening line algorithm is still in beta, so please excuse any unexpected charm or awkwardness.

I have three witty openers, two cheesy ones, and this. I chose chaos. Hi.

If this works, it's a testament to my charm. If it doesn't, I blame the app's algorithm.

This is me shooting my shot. The hoop is very far away and my arms are noodles, but the form is decent.

I'm contractually obligated to inform you that this is the funniest I will be for at least three dates.

This message has been peer-reviewed for quality. The results were mixed, but the consensus was 'just send it.

I’m trying to come up with an opener that isn't just a comment on our mutual good taste. It's not going well.

I’m not sure what the etiquette is here. Do we exchange witty banter or just schedule our wedding?

I wish I had a group chat to workshop this opener, but I'm flying solo. How's my landing?

I'm treating this like a job application. Please see my profile for references. My mom says I'm great.

Sending the first message is a lot of pressure. I'd like to formally pass that pressure back to you for the second message.

I asked a Magic 8-Ball if I should message you. It said 'Ask again later.' I'm impatient.

My bio is my formal statement. This message is the chaotic press conference that follows.

I'm trying to be more decisive, so I gave myself five seconds to send a message. This is the result.

I'm just going to be honest, I swiped right because of your profile. My entire strategy is now complete.

Your photos are arranged like you'd pass a personality test on Tuesday afternoon. I respect the rigor.

Your bio uses an em-dash. I'm not going to recover from this. Hi.

I've decided your profile is my favorite of the week. The election was unanimous (I was the only voter).

The lighting in your second photo is so good, it looks like it was directed by a Wes Anderson apprentice.

The way you’re holding that coffee cup suggests you have your life together in a way that's both admirable and intimidating.

Your bio has an excellent sentence-to-adjective ratio. I'm impressed by the efficiency.

You have the smile of someone who knows where the best tacos are. I respect that kind of secret knowledge.

Your dog in that photo looks like he has a better social life than I do. I’m willing to compete for his approval.

The energy in your main photo is 'just found a twenty-dollar bill in an old jacket.' It's a great look.

You listed hiking, but your pictures suggest you're the type to do it without complaining. That's a rare skill.

The sheer confidence of your pineapple-on-pizza mention deserves a response. I'm both horrified and intrigued.

Your travel photo gives the impression you know how to fold a map. That's a lost art form.

Your bio has a semicolon. You're either a literary genius or a dangerous risk-taker. Hoping for both.

The shirt in your third photo looks incredibly soft. This is a weird observation. I’m sticking with it.

You look like the kind of person who returns their shopping cart to the proper place. It's a sign of a good soul.