Stupid pick up lines
that work because
they really shouldn't.

Are you a horse? Because I'm hungry... wait, that's wrong. Let me start over.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I forgot the rest, hi.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I'd have one dollar, but in fairness we just met.

Are you a math test? Because you're causing me problems, but I feel like I could solve them.

If beauty was time, you'd be an eternity. This makes no sense but I'm committing to it.

If we were socks, we'd make a great pair. One would get lost, but it'd be a good run.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see. Out of the three people I've seen today.

My love for you is like dividing by zero. It cannot be defined. And also it breaks math.

Are you a fire alarm? Because you're really loud and I'm a little confused. Let's say it's a compliment.

Are you the sun? Because being near you feels both dangerous and necessary for my survival. That got dark.

Do you believe in love at first swipe, or should I unmatch and we can try again?

If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine lives with you. But cats are independent, so maybe just seven.

Our connection is like my phone's autocorrect. It feels wrong, but I'm going to trust it.

Are you my keys? Because I'm about to spend twenty minutes looking for you, find you, and then forget why.

Are you a triangle? Because you’re acute one. Also, you have three sides, I guess. The metaphor is failing.

Quick: if a horse and a duck got into a fight, who wins, and would you bet on them?

Theoretical question: if I sent you a really good GIF right now, would that count as a first date?

If you had to fight one duck-sized horse or one hundred horse-sized ducks, what's your strategy?

If animals could talk, which species would be the absolute rudest? My money is on geese.

What's the most useless superpower you can think of? Mine is being able to perfectly peel a banana with my mind.

If you had to replace your hands with objects from your kitchen, what would you choose?

Do you think fish get thirsty? This is a serious question that will determine our compatibility.

How many five-year-olds do you think you could realistically fight off at once?

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt and what would be your go-to spooky move?

What is the official scent of Tuesday? I feel like it’s slightly damp cardboard.

Would you rather have a theme song that plays every time you enter a room, or cartoon sound effects for every move?

If you had to describe your personality as a type of bread, what would it be?

If our first date was a heist, what are we stealing and what's your role in the crew?

Which conspiracy theory do you wish was true, just for the entertainment value?

What do you think robots dream about? Is it electric sheep, or just better charging cables?

If peanut butter wasn't called peanut butter, what would its name be?

If you were a professional wrestler, what would your entrance music be?

What's the weirdest thing you could buy in bulk? I'm thinking 1,000 tiny rubber hands.

If you could ask your pet one question and get a coherent answer, what would it be?

Is a hotdog a sandwich? I need to know your official stance on this matter immediately.

If you had to live in a video game, which one has the best side quests?

What song would you play to cause the most chaos if you were a DJ at a wedding?

If you could have a conversation with one kitchen appliance, which one has the best stories?

What's the most chaotic neutral thing you've ever done? I need details.

Is cereal a soup? Your answer will tell me everything I need to know about you.

I had three smart things to say. Then I sent this instead. No regrets.

I'm aware this line is dumb. Sending it as a personality test. Are you laughing? Pass.

I rehearsed something thoughtful. Then I sent 'hey.' We're starting from here now.

My brain told me to say something cool. My fingers typed this instead. We have a communication problem.

I promise I'm more interesting than this opener. This is just the free trial version.

The algorithm brought us together so I could send this slightly awkward, very dumb message.

I swiped right so fast I think I got a blister. This is me reporting my injury.

I was going to wait a respectable amount of time to message, but I have no self-control.

I'm just a person, standing in front of a match, asking them to appreciate a terrible pickup line.

This is the best I could come up with after 20 minutes of staring at your profile. Be kind.

I'm contractually obligated by the dating app gods to send a dumb first message. Here it is.

I'm trying to think of a clever line, but all my brain is producing is dial-up modem sounds.

If you don't respond, I'll assume you were so impressed you fainted. It's a solid plan.

My plan was to be mysterious and cool. Plan B is sending this. There is no plan C.

I'm just following the app's tutorial. Step 3: Send a message you immediately regret.

I asked my friends for a good opening line. This was the worst one. I chose it for you.

I have a degree, but all it qualified me for was sending this terrible line on a dating app.

Let's be honest, we both swiped right from the toilet. So, how's your day going?

My thumbs are telling me you're out of my league, but my ego is writing this check anyway.

My bio is a lie. This awkward message is the real me. Nice to meet you.

I used a focus group to craft this message. They unanimously approved this one. They were wrong.

I saw we matched and my brain just went completely blank. So... hi.

This message is my official application to be your new favorite match. The interview starts now.

Sending this message took way more courage than it should have. Please validate my poor life choices.

Are you a stapler? Because I love staplers. Wait. That's not how this works.

You're like my favorite shoe — comfortable, reliable, and possibly worn out by the time I admit my feelings.

If you were a sandwich, you'd be a really weird sandwich. That's a compliment, just give me a second.

Are you a well-organized spreadsheet? Because looking at you makes my chaotic life feel momentarily put together.

If you were a soup, you'd be a good soup. I'm not a food critic, but I know what I like.

If you were a potato, you'd be a sweet potato. And also very versatile.

You're like an unlabeled can of food. I don't know what's inside, but I'm excited to find out.

Are you a 90s cartoon? Because you're colorful, nostalgic, and probably better in my memory. Kidding.

You're like that one specific fork in the drawer that's just better than the others for no reason.

Are you a hardware store? Because you have everything I need, and some things I don't understand.

If you were a font, you'd be Comic Sans. People pretend to hate you, but secretly you're fun.

Are you an appendix? Because I don't know what you do, but I have a feeling I should take you out.

You're like my phone battery at 2%. I know I should leave you alone but I just can't.

Are you a user agreement? Because I'm not really paying attention to the details but I'm saying yes.

Are you a microwave? Because you make my cold, leftover heart warm in 30 seconds.

If you were a Power Ranger, you'd be the cool one with the weird zord. That's high praise.

You're like a good Tupperware lid. Rare, a perfect fit, and I will probably lose you somehow.

Are you my favorite coffee mug? Because you're the one I want to start every morning with.

You're like the first sip of coffee in the morning. A little startling, but definitely what I needed.

Hi I'm bad at this. That's the opener. We're done. Reply now.

Are you a vending machine? Because I keep putting in effort and getting back snacks. Wait.

If our love was a math problem, I'd fail it. Confidently. That's the plot twist.

Are you a pigeon? Because you've been walking around in my head making weird noises all day.

If you were a type of cheese, I wouldn't eat you. That would be weird. But you'd be a good cheese.

Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me. That one hurt to type.

Are you a ghost? Because you're hauntingly beautiful, and I'm not sure if I should run or ask you out.

If you were a rock, you would be a cool rock. The kind I'd pick up and put in my pocket.